Scanning my insides

I got a Lumbar MRI coming up Wednesday. The docs will scan me. LOL I had a MRI before and I hate getting into that tube thing while they bang on it!
An MRI consists of being squeezed into a coffin like tube and magnetic scans bang away scanning your insides. It's real claustrophobic. I know it's gonna mess with my head so I'm taking Wednesday off. For a couple of weeks the pain hasn't been too bad.
Mostly because I have a stool to sit on at work and I stay off my feet as much as I can. But this week seemed like a killer week. It's like it all came back and was just as bad as it was before. I think also I got used to not being in so much pain and when it returned it floored me.

I am a very anti-drug person. Except for smoking I'm drug free. I take a daily aspirin cause it's good for the heart and if I get a headache I may take Tylenol. But I don't like taking anything that makes me sleepy, drowsy or loopy. I'm a control freak. Not that I control others but I need to be in control of ME. Myself. I don't like to be high. So I'm cautious when taking narcotics or any thing that may make me stupid. LOL
But, I'm tired of this pain and if I have to drug up to be painless then so be it. I've decided to ask the doc if he will give me a strong pain pill. I don't care what it is, just kill the pain. So I can focus on something I need to do...
In the past he has prescribed easy pills, because I've told him I don't want narcotics. And because they suspected I may have had a heart attack at some point they didn't want to give me anything strong. But they ruled that out and I'm sick of being shut down by striking pain all the damn time.
My mother used to be a doctor freak. She believed in doctors and any pill she could take she did. She couldn't live without a pill for this or a pill for that. If a doctor said she needed to eat grass she would! My father smoked all his life, never would see a doctor and eventually died of a hereditary heart problem.
I think part of this is I don't want to turn into my mother. I don't want to be hooked on things that will determine if I'm up or down. I want to decide that, not some freaking' pill.
What is it with women and doctors??? You guys would follow them off a cliff!
Let me tell you something about doctors. They can't heal you. Period. All they can do is give you something that makes you feel better and then your own body heals itself! They are not gods. And you probably know more about YOU then they do. So quit with the hero worship already!
Now a surgeon can remove something or fix something but even then your own body has to realign and fix itself. Heal thyself!

So with the aforementioned I've been trying to figure out what is mis-aligned with me. Life right now is pretty good. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a good place to live, a bit more money and I'm doing some video stuff I've always wanted to do.
Where is this pain coming from? All things come from within so I've been exploring that question and I think I got the clue. I've been doing so much external stuff the internal me is misaligned. For a long time I've been running around trying to get every thing on the outside the way I want it and thankfully I have, now I need to address the inside. My body is trying to tell me something. Slow down, breathe.
While I will continue to address the pain and the body I'm doing more introspective focus. Yes I will allow myself to take a drug to help the body but I will work on healing from within too. It's time to get off the roller coaster. There are a few things I need to address both with the body and from within and though I can help the situation, my body and spirit will align itself. I just need to sit down, shut up and stop fighting it. ;-)
Sometimes you just have to quit. Stop pushing and let the universe unfold as it should. It's like a door that opens inwardly. The more you push the tighter you close that door. But if you stop, relax and step back you can easily open that door towards you.

Recently at work we had a problem with the door getting stuck. Customers would fly in and leave the door open. So we had a man come by and fix the door where you have to "pull" to open it.
It was really funny for a while as customers got used to having to stop and pull the door open. Like bugs on a windshield, they would run up and slam into the door expecting it to fly open. LOL. Of course my job puts me right there where I see this all day. Spirit put me where I would see this every time. Souls reminder.
And when it occurred to me that this was a lesson for me to observe I started thinking about it. Everything happens for a reason and this was my soul trying to say, Hey Michael your slamming into the door you big dummy! I've never been good at that 'patience' thing. Patience is a virtue I don't have time for! hehehehe. But God has a way of slapping you in the face from time to time. Rarely do we take the time to listen to ourselves or 'God' trying to say something.
This pain is a shackle on my legs. I put it there and I have to remove it. Nobody's going to do it for me. Not a doctor, or a shaman. Just me. Fix the inside and the outside will follow suit.
And as I reflect on this I can recall other situations that were lessons I ignored. Gotta pay closer attention. LOL
Well, it's the weekend so I'm going to rest up a bit and relax. ...need to work on the smoking thing too.
Blog soon,
J.