Speaking Spanish

"Its like those Mexicans have a different word for everything!" - Steve Martin.

When I "hear" Spanish I don't hear words, I hear sounds. This makes it difficult for me to grasp the language. I can pick up a few words here and there but actually organizing them into a sentence isn't working for me. I have no syntax, just words.
No A's, have, been, but, there, or, then and stuff to connect them. When I hear Spanish it doesn't sound anything like the words. Its all slurred together into a sound.

I don't know if it's because Spanish speaking people talk fast or if I just miss all the words in the onslaught of noise. Now, I know English speaking people, especially Americans run everything together. We slur. We mispronounce and some even can't speak at all, its just a drawl.

Just compare a L.A. black man from the "hood" to a southern redneck, can you imagine that conversation??? LOL

Being in radio for 19 years and having taught myself how to speak twice. Yes, twice. I'm having a very hard time with Spanish and I just can't figure it out. I really thought when I met Edith that I'd be speaking Spanish fluently in a year. That didn't happen. In fact I know fewer words then most folks who have less contact with the Spanish community.

Let me digress and explain why I taught myself twice to speak. The first time was when I entered broadcasting. I didn't want to have a southern drawl, so I spent months training myself to speak English. Not Southern English. I finally reached a point that I had no "southern" in me. People often asked me where I was from because I didn't sound like I had lived in the south, and they were surprised to find out I have lived here all my life.

Then later in my 30's I had dental surgery and had to wear a plate. I couldn't talk. For a DJ, that spelled the end of my career! So again I practiced and learned to talk normally with a hunk of plastic in my mouth.

However both times I didn't learn a new language, just how to speak my native language better and in unusual circumstances. Spanish is a whole 'nother world! Because of my broadcast training I learned to mimic dialects and do different voices. I've won awards doing Elvis, President Reagan, Rednecks and other "voices." So it really threw me when I couldn't master Spanish.

So what is the trick? Beyond "Hola" or "How are you", it all runs together. I can say a short phrase but I'm only mimicking the sound, or repeating it. In my head it's just a sound. I'm also afraid to use Spanish because then people may think I can actually speak it and start talking in Spanish. Then I'm lost.

Plus if I'm in a room with people speaking Spanish I automatically tune it out like you would tune out a TV playing or some other noise. It makes me feel nervous and left out of the conversation. Which I am, because I don't speak Spanish.

Now, here is the weird thing. I can't speak German but I can listen to it and make out what is being said. Some software I have originally came out in German so I listened to the videos of what it would do and was able to understand its functions before the English version was released. How can I do that but not understand Spanish?

There are a few common words in German and English. And I could follow the German partly because of listening to how the words were spoken and what was going on within the software I saw. But it should have been gibberish!

So...Why can't I learn Spanish??? I live with a Spanish speaking person, I hear Spanish all the time. Its on TV everyday! I have sat and listened to that soap opera Edith watches. Its pretty lame, but I can't make out anything they say. Heck I should absorb some of it through shear osmosis! !

I know, "Hola" "Bein' Bein' " which I think means "good." and "Como stas" which is "how are you" and that is pretty much the extent of my Spanish! Except for some sweet things to say to Edith the rest of the entire language is alien.

A.L.I.E.N!?! Here's what I think. All Spanish people are aliens. Yep, thats the ticket! When the Aztec calender reaches 2012 all of the aliens will beam up to planet X! Probably sometime in the afternoon. Not morning. I'm thinking about 3:00 PM. They will hold out their hands, do the Spock hand thingie and say "Hola" then just beam up. LOL

But before that happens I need to learn some Spanish! ...in case I want to beam up too ya know.

So what is the catch? What makes Spanish so different? Why does it sound like noise rather than a language to me? What's up with that?!?! LOL

But seriously I do have one fear involving Spanish. What if some emergency situation occurred and I had to communicate in Spanish? I can't. And that scares me. If something happened and I had to call Mexico or go there? That is a very real fear I have. What if I had to communicate in Spanish for Edith? What if her life was at stake and because I'm too stupid to understand the language I can't help her, or someone else. That really scares me!

One day a man came by looking for Edith. I had no idea what he was saying. He could have been asking directions or telling me the house was on fire. I had no clue how to talk to him. I think that is when it sunk in. What if I needed to communicate with this man?

This is a very real fear for me. I now have a Spanish speaking person in my life and that part is totally alien to me. Her friends speak Spanish. People call every day speaking Spanish. So I need to speak Spanish too. (sigh) But I can't.

Where can I jack a Ethernet wire into my head and download Spanish? Maybe I'm just too old to learn a new language?
Whats the key to Spanish?